“Hey, there’s a bubble.” - literally everyone, again Remember yesterday when Elon saved the AI trade? Yeah, that lasted about as long as I do… thirty seconds. By Thursday morning, JPMorgan’s traders were writing that the bullish “tone reversed overnight,” and the Nasdaq went on to shed 2.6%. The S&P 500 slid 1.2%, while the Dow went all “that don’t impress me much,” up just 11 points. Blame Zuck. Meta beat on revenue ($64.6B)...
Moderna shares crashed as much as 25% Thursday after results from its cancer vaccine trial leaked online. What's surprising is that the vaccine, developed with Merck, actually showed promising results. The trouble started when details from the closely watched trial began circulating on X, just days before the companies were supposed to present their findings at the European Society for Medical Oncology conference in Madrid this weekend. One account shared what appeared to be a re...
Meta shareholders: “Do we get a vote on this?” Zuck: ¯\(ツ)/¯ Zuck and Co. simply do not miss… on revenue, anyway. Meta raked in $64.6B in Q3 (vs. $63.37B expected), up a girthy 26% from last year, and guided Q4 to $73-76B, above the Street’s ~$73.7B. Shares, naturally, mooned 3%+ after hours. The bottom line, however, was another story. EPS looked ugly at $3.83 (vs. $5.75 expected)… until you spot the $9.89B charge Meta booked to settle w...
Joe Rogan didn't hear no bell… If there's one company that deserves a Nobel Prize for accomplishing the seemingly impossible feat of losing money for 16 consecutive years while convincing investors everything is going according to plan… it's Spotify. Sidenote: imagine being the accountant responsible for explaining this shit every December. Sounds like a horrific job. Anyways, here we are all these years decades later, and the world's most successful money-...
Michael Dell: I'm putting money in every kid's piggy bank. Dario Amodei: I'm putting 5% of my company in humanity's apology jar. Elon: Hold my beer. While Dario Amodei was busy drafting a shareholder-approved apology fund for the millions of “poors” AI could eventually send to the bread unemployment line, the world’s richest space cadet decided to one-up him with the largest corporate baby shower in American history. And by baby shower, I mean $10.5...
Nvidia, meet Amazon Basics… Sooo apparently, the online bookstore that took down Borders (RIP, legends) has its sights set on Nvidia next. On Monday, Amazon Web Services dropped TorchNeuron, a free tool that lets AI apps built with PyTorch move off Nvidia GPUs and onto Trainium, Amazon’s homemade AI chip. Which, you know… is a BFD considering Amazon claims it takes one line of configuration and zero code rewrites. Vibe coders just went from six to midnight. &ld...
If Marc Benioff ever offers to buy your used Kia Soul on Facebook Marketplace, for the love of God, don't tell him the asking price. The Salesforce CEO just agreed to pay $5.66 billion for Braze, a marketing software company whose shareholders were perfectly happy trading their shares at $30.04 yesterday. Marc's offer? $47.50 per share. “Wait, isn’t that 58% ABOVE the asking price?” -you anxiously trying to figure out wtf this guy is smoking Correct. A...
President Trump's steel tariffs are beginning to deliver more visible benefits for Cleveland-Cliffs, whose shares jumped 12% Monday after the company reported stronger-than-expected earnings and projected a substantial increase in profits next year. The steelmaker earned an adjusted $0.28 per share on $5.6 billion in revenue, beating earnings expectations of $0.22 per share despite a modest revenue miss. And while sales fell slightly short of Wall Street's forecasts, they were stil...
Berkshire is back on its “B.S.”…. Remember when we poured one out for AOL, the OG of the internet, because it was getting sold to an Italian company? Turns out, Berkshire Hathaway is really into the Italians. Berkshire just one-pump-chumped another $330M into BS (read: Bending Spoons). It got 10M shares at $33, a ~13% discount to Tuesday’s close (which, must be nice), bringing its tab to over $900M since BS went public in July. The stock ripped 41% Wednesday...
“It’s called BTFD… look it up.” - Jamie Dimon, probably Well, that didn’t take long. One week after swearing off AI forever, Wall Street bought the f*cking dip. The Nasdaq climbed 1.1% on Monday, while the S&P 500 added 0.41% and the Dow mostly sat there and watched (define “cuck”). Friendly reminder, we ended last week with blood on the street. The Nasdaq tumbled 4.5%, snapping a four-week winning streak, and the S&P lost nearly 2%,...
Low standards met… So Tesla beat Wall Street’s forecasts on the top and bottom lines Wednesday, with adjusted EPS of 48 cents (vs. 43 cents expected) on $28.05B in revenue (vs. $27.9B). And yet, shares still slid 3%+ after hours, down 14% this year while the rest of megacap tech parties on. Define, “down bad”. For context, revenue held roughly flat with last year, of course. It’s just that the wheels are still coming off the parts of Tesla that actually...
My dad’s “SAFE” Edward Jones portfolio 🤝 The world’s largest sovereign wealth fund. Wouldn’t you know it? The greatest threat to your retirement account isn't Bitcoin, artificial intelligence, or your neighbor convincing you to buy Nvidia at an all-time high. It's those so-called investment securities your financial advisor keeps telling you are perfectly safe. Just ask Norway and my dad (who recently showed me his financial statements from his adv...
General Motors (NYSE: GM) is seeking to reduce its vehicle development timeline to approximately two years by incorporating more artificial intelligence, digital simulation and software-based engineering into its manufacturing operations. The automaker outlined the initiative Wednesday during its GM Forward event in Manhattan, where executives presented plans for future electric and gasoline-powered vehicles. The company is also preparing a fourth generation of more efficient electric vehicle...
“Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in…” - every hedge fund that dumped tech last week Welp, the AI trade didn’t hear no bell. Last week, Wall Street was puking up chip stocks. By Wednesday, it was taking shots of Elon. Case in point: The Nasdaq climbed 1.1%, the S&P 500 added 0.6%, and the Dow tacked on 271 points (+0.5%). For starters, SpaceX popped 7% after its Q3 revenue grew 161% to $14.6B, and it swung to a $4.4B profit. Its AI business, now...
AT&T shares fell more than 6% Wednesday despite reporting stronger-than-expected third-quarter earnings and raising its full-year profit forecast. Investors were more concerned about slowing wireless subscriber growth, falling broadband revenue per customer, and the growing threat from Elon Musk's Starlink network. The company reported revenue of $32.3 billion, up 5.3% from a year earlier and ahead of estimates of $31.7 billion. Adjusted earnings came in at 65 cents a share, beating e...
“You’ve made it to the merge.” - Elon Daddy Elon (as he’s known to his at least 14 children) just had the best quarter of his public-company life… and his first instinct was to ask if it could marry his car company. SpaceX dropped its Q3 earnings after the bell Tuesday and beat on the top and bottom lines. Revenue rang in at $14.6B, up 161% YoY and well ahead of the $12.72B the Street wanted. Net income… *checks notes*… racked up $4.4B, after a...
Goodbye, sweet prince. You will be missed. Not by us. But somebody. Prayers for the poor son of a b**** who just paid Getty Images $600 for a picture of two middle-aged white guys pretending to understand blockchain. Because while half the internet is busy asking ChatGPT to generate pictures of Sydney Sweeney in scenarios that not even batman could get out of them Donald Trump riding a bald eagle into battle… Meanwhile, Getty Images was busy taking the walk of shame into fe...
Netflix and ill? Well similar to most of my Netflix and Chill rendezvous, it appears Netflix just can’t satisfy Wall Street can it? Tuesday after the bell, the inventors of chilling beat on the bottom line for Q3, earning 87 cents per share vs. the 82 cents analysts expected. Revenue landed right on the nose at $12.87B, up about 12% YoY thanks to, once again, quality content the price hikes from March. So shares mooned, right? Right? Shares promptly… Ate sh*t. Mean...
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